I’ve always had to be fine.

There was no one coming to save me.

Where did all this come from, you ask?
Well, I started reading Gabby Berstein’s new book The Judgement Detox, and woah, it’s brought a new awareness to the judgements I make on a daily basis, and more importantly than that, what’s behind those judgements.

I caught myself just now judging someone else, and rather than berate myself for doing so, I paused and looked deeper at why I was doing that. As Gabby so eloquently puts it, “a judgement is a disowned part of your own shadow.”

What about the judgement I was making was really me just projecting a part of myself that I have disowned? A deep question, for sure.

But here’s the hard truth. The story I’ve always told myself.
I have to be always be fine.
I have to continue to carry on, going about my day as usual.
No matter what is actually brewing beneath the exterior.
No one is coming to save me.

Now while that last part may be true and even somewhat empowering, I’ve always been incredibly jealous of people who have that knight in shining armour that “saves” them. Buys the house for them, supports them financially, allows them to find their peace and calling in their own time, affords them the luxury of not having to work, etc.

The reason I’m craving that peace, a saviour, some semblance of being protected is because since the time that I was 18 and left for university, I’ve not had a break longer than two-three weeks where I could simply disconnect, shut down, stop working altogether and really reset. I’m no spring chicken, so that’s a long time to go without any break to pause and recuperate (13 years, if you were curious).

That is what I’m looking for now, desperately seeking it out – a break. Even if there is no superhero in this story to save me, I just want everything to pause so I can catch my breath, reflect on where I am, and be more intentional about where I’m going.

I’ve never been good with money. Never planned well, never asked for what I was worth, never set aside enough for a break like the one I’m craving. Always thought I just had to keep working…

My parents used to joke that the only way they’d earn a significant amount of money was in divorce and remarriage to someone rich. They believed they could not be their own saviours, and that someone else would need to be that for them, particularly financially.

Talk about a fucked up belief system.
One I need to recover from.

Because I do want to be my own saviour.
But I also want to be my own advocate.
And sometimes the heroine needs to rest.
Sometimes the fiercest thing we can do for ourselves is choose rest over action.
Is to actually plan in silence, and within our own minds, so as not to let others lead us astray.
Is to choose rest and self care over adding more to our calendars.

What if the heroine was actually more than fine?
What if she took the time to follow her heart, and her’s alone?
What if she learned to thrive, rather than simply survive?
What if she could plan her adventure, rather than letting it happen to her?

I no longer want to just be fine.
I want to create and dream and build and serve and thrive.
I don’t need a saviour, I just need to heal myself and dawn my warrior’s clothing, in order to fight my own battles, building my own life, because only I know what’s best for me, and I will be my own saviour.

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